Social Handbook: An Open Response to "Jack's Manual"

"[Y]ou will get a little bit faster every day

until you're the best around."

~Rudy, Animal Crossing

A few days ago, someone on a social media site I frequent passed along this link to a blog post. It's written by a mom discussing her eleven-year-old autistic son's difficulties in interacting with others. At the end, she enclosed a list of social rules titled, "Jack's Manual."

I know the mom writing the original post was trying to help, and that she meant well.  Despite that, as I read this list, I couldn't help but feel that my eleven-year-old self would have been even more confused after reading it. (Heck, I'm eighteen now and I still had to ask my mother for help understanding the reasoning behind rule #12.) That's why I thought it might be helpful to use "Jack's Manual" as a jumping-off point for this blog post: part of a social handbook meant for other autistic people.

The original text is in bold, with my additions/subtractions in bold italics and strikethroughs, and the reasoning in plain text.

1. When you are searching for an answer to a question, take your time if possible. Try not to get frustrated. Ask for help if you need it. You can usually take your time, but not always - such as if you're in school or at work and a time limit has been specified. This is a skill that comes with practice. Try not to get frustrated, because it's not a good feeling, but know it's a normal emotion all people go through. Also know that there's nothing wrong with asking for help. Anyone who tells you otherwise is bullying you.
2. I will wait for you. I will make sure other people wait for you. I will teach you how to ask other people to wait so you don't always have to rely on me. Having someone who will accommodate you is important, especially when you are young (as some adults just won't listen to children). Learning how to ask for accommodations yourself is a small way to become more independent, and needs to be learned as you get older.
3. Smile when someone gives you a present. Even if you have it already or you don't like it or need it–just smile and say thank you. I've found, "That's so thoughtful! Thanks!" usually covers it. If it's obvious you already have the same thing (such as at a birthday party where two people give you the same gift by coincidence), you can say something along the lines of, "Well, now I have a matching pair!"
4. Never ask if someone is pregnant, or on a diet, or getting divorced. The first two are usually interpreted as telling the person they're fat. The other means you're being too nosy about someone else's relationship, which is generally not appreciated by neurotypical people (NTs).
5. Always When it's appropriate, ask if someone needs help. If someone looks like they're having trouble carrying something, for example, offer to assist them. Open the door for them if their hands are full. Always asking if someone needs help, however, can be misinterpreted and viewed as insulting. If you're not sure, you can usually just say something along the lines of, "Let me know if you need any help."
6. Hold the door for the person behind you in the grocery store or the library or the mall when it is sensible. Hold the door if the person is only a few steps away, because it's a kind thing to do. Don't hold a door for someone across the room, because it makes NTs feel awkward. The only exception would be if their hands are full, or possibly if they're a wheelchair user. You don't need to hold an automatic door no matter the circumstances.
7. Don’t eat salsa off of your chip and then dip it back into the bowl again. It transfers your saliva from the chip back into the bowl of salsa, spreading germs.
8. Don’t swear. Swear sensibly. Those words make people uncomfortable, and they aren't polite. Even so, you can't really avoid them. They're on TV, in books, and at school (especially at school). Trying out swear words is just part of growing up, but it's important to know the proper time and place to use them. In a formal setting, swearing is not a good idea. If you're with friends, it's more acceptable - but swearing is something that should be reserved for when you're extremely angry or upset. Throwing those words around all the time is rude no matter who you're with. Don't use slurs, as they exist only to hurt other people.
9. Whisper in the library, and respect their other rules, too. If you want to go to a public place, you have to respect their rules or you won't be allowed to go there next time. Whispering in the library (so people can concentrate on what they're reading) is just one example.
10. Whisper in the movies. See #9 (although I've always been told not to talk at all in the movies, but maybe this person knows something I don't).
11. Whisper in the morning. Respect the wishes of those you live with/nearby. I believe the reasoning behind this point was that people might still be sleeping in the morning, but that doesn't mean you have to whisper all the way up until noon. If the people you live with are awake, and you're not violating your building's (or neighborhood's) rules on quiet hours, you don't have to make a point of being extra quiet.
12. Please, when it’s your turn to bake the cake, bake the cake. Do everything in your power to figure out what is expected of you. (This was in reference to an article that mentioned, in part, an autistic adult whose workplace would have one person bring in cake every Friday. He ate the cake that other people brought in, but didn't realize he was expected to volunteer to bring a cake himself some weeks.) NTs expect you to know unwritten rules without them saying a word about it (how this works, I have no idea). Usually they won't mind if you ask, though. If one person brings in cake on Friday, it's probably just a special treat, but if it happens again the next week, approach them and ask if you're expected to take a turn as well.
13. Before you say something doesn’t taste good or look nice or sound pretty, take a breath and remember that is autism’s voice trying to talk. Use your voice instead.* find something positive about it and say that, unless you have been asked to do otherwise. If someone asks you to help them with a homework assignment, or they specifically say something along the lines of, "Please give me your honest opinion," they usually want to know the flaws. But if someone makes you a meal, gives you a present, or is showing something they did, they don't want to hear if it's awful. Say it has nice colors, or is a pretty shape, or that it looks like they worked hard on it. Otherwise, it can be hurtful.
14. Be good, be kind, be respectful, but most importantly, be yourself whenever you can. Harsh truth incoming: in today's world, the overwhelming majority of society will be uncomfortable with you doing anything that makes it clear you're autistic. As autism rates increase, I very much hope the world will learn to accept us, but for right now there are precious few places you can be yourself. Take advantage of them.

* I'm not even sure what this bit about "autism's voice" vs. "your voice" is supposed to mean. You can't separate a person from their autism. There is not a different person "hidden" behind the autism somehow, this is part of who we are and quite frankly, anyone who referred to something I said as "autism's voice speaking" would not be my friend after that. Period.

If anyone would like to suggest further clarification or corrections, I'm certainly open to hearing them.