By the Way, You're Autistic

"Even if you think a lie is helping, it usually ain't.

Someday that person'll learn the truth,

and you'll have to look him in the eye."

~Kyle Hyde, Hotel Dusk: Room 215

Every time I hear a parent worrying about how to tell their child they're autistic, or worse, announce that their kid doesn't need to know yet, I cringe a little. Although they may mean well, it all comes from the same thought process: that being autistic is bad, that it's at the center of all their problems.

It's not. Autism is just autism. If you're looking for a sign, this is it: let your child know they have autism. Today.

You aren't doing your kid any favors by hiding it from them. If they socialize at all with other people in the world, and especially if they're in school, I guarantee you THEY ALREADY KNOW.

Now, I don't mean they know they have autism, but they know that something is different about them. I was twelve years old before someone saw my symptoms for what they were, and that evening I went home and did as much research as I could manage. Not because I was afraid, but because it was freeing.

I found the criteria from the current DSM and took tests and read, read, read. By the end of the week, I knew (side note: I was later officially diagnosed by professionals). Rather than being afraid, I was grateful for the "label" of autism. I realized there was a reason I seemed so much different from my peers, didn't always understand what people were saying, and had trouble regulating my tone and body language. Not only that, but I wasn't the only one who was like this. There were thousands of people out there just like me, and the autistic community was out there, happy to welcome me with open arms.

Finding out about autism can be a huge relief, whether you're the one who discovers it or someone else tells you.

Yeah, but...how do you do that? What if it makes him think less of himself? What if it leads to her not trying as hard and using her autism to excuse that?

We aren't born understanding disability. We get a sense of it from the people around us and from society. It's the same as anything else. Chances are, if your child is fairly young, they don't even really know what the term means.

You don't have to say it in any special way. Just tell them. There's no need to overload them with information - just say it, and wait for a response.

For example, you might say something like: "Do you remember we talked about how when school starts, you're going to be in a special class? You're going to be in the special class because you have something called autism."

If the child asks what that means, you can give them a brief, age-appropriate explanation. Make sure you don't portray autism as wholly bad. Doing so is extremely detrimental to someone's self-esteem. We're autistic for life, and it affects everything right down to how we think and feel. Autism isn't a "bad guy" or "monster" in our heads, it's just something that makes us different.

That's actually one good way to approach it with kids. "Autism is something in your brain that makes you think differently. There are lots of other people out there who have autism. Some of them are kids your age, and some of them are grown up. If we get to know other autistic people, we'll know more about the way you think, and some of them could become your friends, too."

If you focus on the "can'ts," so will your child. If he grows up constantly hearing, "Oh, he can't do that. He's autistic," pretty soon it'll be him saying, "I can't do it because I'm autistic." That is where using autism as an excuse comes from. Autism should be an explanation, not an excuse. Kids take their cues from their parents. Focus on how you portray autism, and they'll pick it up.

As always, books are a great resource for helping kids learn more. Here are a few recommendations:

• I Love Being My Own Autistic Self! by Landon Bryce. This is a great introduction to what autism is, and explains it in a way even younger children can understand. It portrays different points of view from both autistic and neurotypical characters, with the emphasis on the neurodiversity movement.
• Different Like Me: My Book of Autism Heroes by Jennifer Elder. The book recommends itself for kids between the ages of eight and twelve. Plenty of famous and important people from history are detailed inside, both their accomplishments and how autism affected them, even though the term "autism" wasn't around when many of them were living. (Note that this book does use the outdated term of Asperger's, but it would be suitable for kids who fall anywhere on the spectrum.)
• Loud Hands: Autistic People, Speaking by Julia Bascom. Perfect for autistic teens and adults, this is a collection of essays written by and for those on the spectrum. There are plenty of different perspectives offered, and so many topics are covered. It's even published by the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, which is a great resource.

It's time to tell your kids that they belong to the autistic community. We'll be waiting to welcome them, regardless of age or ability.